A typical day in 1996.

Whenever, 1996

12pm: Wake up, lay in bed for 1.5 hours thinking about what how I'm going to be really productive today and work on solving unsolvable physics theories.

1:30pm: Take shower and daydream about living in a hot shower for the rest of my life and having a helicopter lift the shower and place it next to wherever I want to go so I can stay in the shower all day because it feels so good.

2:30pm: Get out of shower and put on light airy clothes so that it's easy removal for when I go to the tanning bed (renewed monthly membership).

3:00pm: Call Johnny and rendez-vous at his house so we can go to tanning salon. Talk about what level tans we're gonna get on way over and discuss various post-tanning methods to secure deep tan.

3:30pm: Reserve super bed (there are different level beds depending on how deep a tan you want). Apply "Swedish Beauty" tanning bronzer and begin tan (20 min).

3:50:pm: Wipe off excess sweat, check body out in mirror to see instant results, blend any tanning lotion buildup that may have occurred. Leave tanning bed room.

4:00pm: Chat with tanning bed worker about any new products that may have arrived while waiting on johnny to finish his tanning session. His sessions were longer because he had a better base tan than me.

4:10pm: Leave tanning bed, go to Taco Bell for lunch. Order 2 doubledecker tacos and 1 small coke. Eat 1.5 doubledecker tacos and give the remainder to Johnny and then demand that he pay me for the .5 taco he ate.

5:00pm: Drive to Cumberland Mall or Brunswick Azalea Bowling Alley arcade for daily Mortal Kombat practice (in preparation for intense competition on Fri-Sat at the Galleria).

6:00pm: Still at arcade.

7:00pm: At arcade still.

8:00pm: Arcade at still.

10:00pm: Leave arcade to go to Galleria arcade that stayed open until 2am.

2:00am: Leave other arcade for home and on the drive home daydream about how I'm going to do something really productive the next day and solve unsolvable physics theories.

Hot for Teacher by Shorty

A truly glorious remake of one of the greatest rock songs in history. Thanks to Brian McCallum, Ryan Stacy, and Steven Reed, whichever of you geniuses owned this.

The 80s were way more progressive

If the year 2000 pushed the envelope, the year 1983 shot it out of a cannon.

Our future, regrettably.

I dubbed the video with nature music because honestly I couldn't bear to here the constant noise of what they were dancing? to, that happens to be under a damn bridge or something. I hope all 3 of you enjoy watching this as much as I do.

The moment of self awareness

1973, Munich, Germany, and humans are about to witness the first truly independent man-made machine. Dr. Borg Feinlein dictates the final engineering procedures while the world holds its breath as the first robot slowly becomes alive...

Tupperware 4-pc Bowl Set on sale through July 2011

Just when you think the world is going to shit something special happens to make you think things might be looking up, like Jezebel's "50 Most Beautiful Atlantans" annual party at Park Tavern bar. Most nightclubs offer a mixed crowd, some attractive, some not, and that's fine but it's just cool to think about if one nightclub was completely filled with most attractive people in Atlanta that did good things for the community.

John Giddings has officially reached "movie villain" level of awesomely horrible.

Xbox Live comebacks for when you lose.

Xbox Live is a service provided by Xbox that allows you to remotely play with or against other people over the internet.  In the case of a fighting game, it synchronizes you up with someone else that's playing the same game and you fight them.  Xbox Live features the ability to send messages after a match so you can really let the person know how you feel at the time of your loss (and ruin the rest of their life, hopefully).

I'm a decent player of Street Fighter 4 (SF4) so please don't take this brainstorming session to mean that I lose a lot.  I actually do lose a lot but that's only because I'm also counting all the losses that occurred because I wasn't ready, my opponent cheated, my opponent used a cheap move, or simply because my opponent got lucky.  If you don't count those (because that's not really fair) then you'd see that actually I win quite often.


After losing your opponent texts you...


"You suck!"

You respond with...

"You know what else sucks?  Investment accounts.  Studies have shown that a simple checking account yields the most return on your money."

The opponent texts you...
"That was easy."

You respond with...

"I know!  Paying the minimum on your credit cards builds better credit faster than any other method."

The opponent texts you...
"Great match!"

You respond with...

"Thanks!  I have to admit though, education is overrated.  In fact, 88% of high school dropouts actually earn more than college graduates."

The opponent texts you...
"How did you do that combo?"

You respond with...

"I wasn't able to do it until after applying for an adjustable rate mortgage on my house.  It's really easy to do and practically guarantees a profitable resell, as well as making it easy to perform difficult combos."

The opponent texts you...
"LOL!"

You respond with...

"Sorry about my play.  It's just that I've been so busy with Amway and trying to manage all of the money that's rolling in. It's so much money!"

Alternatively, you could approach the loss in an entirely different direction:

The opponent texts you...
"You suck!"

You respond with...

"Remember that girl at the party that you had sex with?  Well, that's me and now I'm pregnant. I've been trying to contact you."

The opponent texts you...
"That was easy."

You respond with...

"Sorry I don't really play this, Grandson.  I didn't want to tell you like this but I'm actually your grandfather. Your granny has kept it a secret to protect you."

The opponent texts you...
"Great Match!"

You respond with...

"I just called the police and they're on the way to your house. Stay calm and lock your door.  Help is on the way."