Your Move.

Hot for Teacher by Shorty

2011-10-09T18:42:00.001-04:00

A truly glorious remake of one of the greatest rock songs in history. Thanks to Brian McCallum, Ryan Stacy, and Steven Reed, whichever of you geniuses owned this.

The 80s were way more progressive

2011-10-01T02:56:00.000-04:00

If the year 2000 pushed the envelope, the year 1983 shot it out of a cannon.

Our future, regrettably.

2011-09-26T23:00:00.002-04:00

I dubbed the video with nature music because honestly I couldn't bear to here the constant noise of what they were dancing? to, that happens to be under a damn bridge or something. I hope all 3 of you enjoy watching this as much as I do.

Don't be a jagass and call someone a jackass, jagass.

2011-09-24T15:05:00.000-04:00

I'm not trying to manipulate the generally accepted "that person is an obnoxious dumbass" phrases but I think we all need to reconsider calling someone a jackass if they're acting like a jagass. A jackass is a donkey and a donkey is an animal that carries shit for you while you climb rocks at the Grand Canyon. A jackass is something a person that makes less than 100k says because they've never owned a Jaguar. Well fuck that, right? Exactly.

Saying "jagass" is not only more professional but clearly let's people know you mean business when it comes to calling some jagass a jagass. It rolls off the tongue smoother because of the g sound as opposed to the clicky 'ck' sound. You can also rest assured that some asshole named Jack that happens to be standing near you won't think you're talking about his ass and how jack it is (even if his ass looks like the Jack of Tens).

The moment of self awareness

2011-09-20T15:30:00.000-04:00

1973, Munich, Germany, and humans are about to witness the first truly independent man-made machine. Dr. Borg Feinlein dictates the final engineering procedures while the world holds its breath as the first robot slowly becomes alive...

Tupperware 4-pc Bowl Set on sale through July 2011

2011-07-16T03:55:00.002-04:00

Just when you think the world is going to shit something special happens to make you think things might be looking up, like Jezebel's "50 Most Beautiful Atlantans" annual party at Park Tavern bar. Most nightclubs offer a mixed crowd, some attractive, some not, and that's fine but it's just cool to think about if one nightclub was completely filled with most attractive people in Atlanta that did good things for the community.

John Giddings has officially reached "movie villain" level of awesomely horrible.

Xbox Live comebacks for when you lose.

2010-04-18T22:38:00.000-04:00

Xbox Live is a service provided by Xbox that allows you to remotely play with or against other people over the internet. In the case of a fighting game, it synchronizes you up with someone else that's playing the same game and you fight them. Xbox Live features the ability to send messages after a match so you can really let the person know how you feel at the time of your loss (and ruin the rest of their life, hopefully).

I'm a decent player of Street Fighter 4 (SF4) so please don't take this brainstorming session to mean that I lose a lot. I actually do lose a lot but that's only because I'm also counting all the losses that occurred because I wasn't ready, my opponent cheated, my opponent used a cheap move, or simply because my opponent got lucky. If you don't count those (because that's not really fair) then you'd see that actually I win quite often.

After losing your opponent texts you...

"You suck!"

You respond with...

"You know what else sucks? Investment accounts. Studies have shown that a simple checking account yields the most return on your money."

The opponent texts you...
"That was easy."

You respond with...

"I know! Paying the minimum on your credit cards builds better credit faster than any other method."

The opponent texts you...
"Great match!"

You respond with...

"Thanks! I have to admit though, education is overrated. In fact, 88% of high school dropouts actually earn more than college graduates."

The opponent texts you...
"How did you do that combo?"

You respond with...

"I wasn't able to do it until after applying for an adjustable rate mortgage on my house. It's really easy to do and practically guarantees a profitable resell, as well as making it easy to perform difficult combos."

The opponent texts you...
"LOL!"

You respond with...

"Sorry about my play. It's just that I've been so busy with Amway and trying to manage all of the money that's rolling in. It's so much money!"

Alternatively, you could approach the loss in an entirely different direction:

The opponent texts you...
"You suck!"

You respond with...

"Remember that girl at the party that you had sex with? Well, that's me and now I'm pregnant. I've been trying to contact you."

The opponent texts you...
"That was easy."

You respond with...

"Sorry I don't really play this, Grandson. I didn't want to tell you like this but I'm actually your grandfather. Your granny has kept it a secret to protect you."

The opponent texts you...
"Great Match!"

You respond with...

"I just called the police and they're on the way to your house. Stay calm and lock your door. Help is on the way."

2nd Degree Black Belt? Check. Seriously? Check.

2009-12-03T01:51:00.007-05:00

It's true- I'm actually a 2nd Degree Black Belt. That means not only did I achieve absolute perfection in my karate discipline; I took it a step further. I took it to the 2nd Degree. "Hey, I'm a Black Belt" to me is basically saying, "Hey, I took Whothefuckcares Karate and did pretty good I guess." Really? Just admit you're out-classed and fetch me a footpad, shitface, okay? I led 40 year-old grown men and women through stretching and pre-karate exercises when I was 9 years old. I won first place in Orlando for the "forms" competition that was basically me silently performing a series of "karate moves" versus the air. After my triumph in Orlando I went to the Epcot Center at Disney World and actually felt a closer connection to Little China and Little Japan than everyone else. It all made total sense after the Chinese dragon puppet chose me out of all the other kids to shake hands with at Epcot Center watch the fucking clip below thanks.

That's Sensei Terry Silver. It's disrespectful (and frankly fucking rude) to address a karate teacher without saying "Sensei" beforehand.

Educational video on how the pilgrims landed at Jamestown, VA.

2009-10-10T00:01:00.007-04:00

...and that's basically how they did it. (U.S. History 6901)

Italics: Forbidden Desires

2009-10-06T18:14:00.011-04:00

Although Italy invented italics over 30 years ago, there's nothing stopping non-Italians from using them, too. Take the word, shit, buy it a tuxedo or fancy dress and watch as shit turns into shit. Still not convinced? Here's a test: Would you rather buy a pack of ham or a pack of ham? If you chose ham, you can find that in the rotten foods section at the grocery store (gross!). If you chose ham, you can find that in the normal section (now that's delicious ham!). It's really that simple.

Italics is used in medical terminology to express good news. "Your blood test came back and it says you've got full-blown AIDS." Not to worry- the doctor is simply telling you that you've got assistants to help you do whatever it is that you do, and that they've full blown-ly dedicated themselves to helping you. (I could use some full-blown AIDS to assist me!) I'm not sure how the results of your blood test means that you now have personal helpers but that's neither here nor there. Just remember, non-italicized "AIDS" means you've actually got AIDS, sorry.

I know you're eager to get back to your croquet game so I'll keep this last point brief. Is it just me or does your inner reading voice turn slightly elvish when pronouncing words in italics? For example, read this: "Ehem, I would like to barter this ol' flute for some of your precious gold coineth." Did you suddenly become half-human half-magical when you read "precious"? Of course you did.

Deutsch-Amerikanische Freundschaft in German means awesome.

2009-09-29T16:14:00.004-04:00

DAF is a German band formed in 1978 as a satirical response to Soviet influence in Eastern Germany. I don't care either. Anyways, their sound is quite unique as demonstrated by intentionally de-tuning unintentionally detuned analog synthesizers (naturally). By adding minimalist percussion (at times non-syncopated) and hiring a singer that not only looks like a skinny Pete Sampras, but has stated that he only sings words that enhance the rhythm of the song, DAF achieves a dark/comical sound that is fresher than shucked corn.
I'd be terribly remiss if I didn't point out the similarities of the drummer and Dolph Lundgren. He's the real brains behind this outfit (not Dolph Lundgren although that would be interesting). I might add that awkward stoicism and the cleanest shave on Earth seem to go wonderful with the music. I've got a feeling this guy really knows what's up; his subtle smirk reveals an entire Universe of coolness.

The Beginning

2009-09-28T19:43:00.000-04:00

If anyone actually reads this please be patient while I perfect the overall appearance of this site (actual content notwithstanding). It's almost ready.